Now or Never
by Darkest Angel Poe
Summary: Why the Bang?


Author Note: Before you read this, you need to read No Regrets. I take no responsiblity for you being confused or just stupid to the plot if you don't. 

Now Or Never 

Hikari sat listening to the _ bleep_, _ bleep_,_ bleep_ of the monitors. They formed an interesting beat. After days on end sitting beside her friend hospital bed, she found herself humming to the monitors out of shear boredom. 

_ ....the beat, the music..... dance like you want to win......like you want to.......want to....want   
I want to be normal. Why am I floating? _

"Asuka, turn around." 

"Shinji! What are you doing here?" 

"I never left." 

"What?" 

"After the synchronization, I never left. I wanted so badly to be a part of something. To be included. So, I stayed part of you." 

"BAKA!" 

"I'm not stupid unless you are. I couldn't have stayed unless some small part of you let me. You don't want to be alone as much as me." 

"Baka," Asuka muttered unconvincingly as she turned away from Shinji. 

"Asuka, I'm a part of you, so I know what you are thinking. There is no need, or purpose in turning away, I know you already. I've been waiting for you to acknowledge I was here, so I've had a chance to watch you." 

"You don't know me, you can't know me, you're too stupid to understand me," Asuka spat visibly shaken. 

"Your doll, your mom, your heart, I know all that. I know that when I'm asleep in the room next door with my misery and SDATs, you are next door with your misery, and your short blanket." Asuka just glared at Shinji praying this was only a dream. 

"How much does he know?"_ Asuka thought silently musing a way to get him out. _

"I know why you always shorten your blanket. You want to be small again, you want to be able to fit yourself back into your childhood in hopes of gaining a mom. You have a short blanket because you feel like you always come up short. Short in sync rates compared to me, short in successful battles compared to me, short in my eyes compared to Rei. You can't stretch enough to make yourself good enough in your own eyes. You are like me.   
"Asuka, I've been here long enough to understand you, but I'm not the only one who has insight. While we were synced, you could have seen me, felt my sensations, grasped all that is in my head and heart. Did you? Do you know me like I know you?" 

"Why do you care?" 

"Because I am not alone now that I know you. But you, you are still alone because you don't know me, or you haven't realized you know me. I don't want you to be alone. Asuka, you are miserable alone, don't stay that way." 

Asuka roughly shoved Shinji to the ground, "I don't want to see you baka, and I'm not alone. Hikari is sitting right by my...bedside.... I look so vulnerable." Asuka was slowly realizing how isolated she could feel.  
"What? She's leaving?! Where is she going? Don't leave me with him!" 

"When the end comes, and it is coming, You will be alone vulnerable, but you don't have to be alone. Your mom left. Hikari will leave, Rei will leave, Misato will leave. They will all leave. But I won't. Asuka, if you don't want to be alone and miserable forever, you HAVE TO LOOK at me. You have to see me the way I saw you. Are you going to be alone forever? Make your choice, it's now or never." As he finished Asuka slowly softened and began to cry softly. She was alone, again. Shinji had disappeared. He had promised not to leave! Where had he gone? Why did he tear at her soul and then leave her to bleed all humanity out in her tears? 

"SHINJI! I don't want to be alone! I don't want to die never having seen the world from another view. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. NOW! NOW! I WANT TO SEE YOU, I need to." 

Shinji stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pressing her back into his chest. 

A picture of a small boy crying on a train platform flooded Asuka's mind. She cried. 

A picture of a tombstone soon took over. She felt alone, forgotten. 

Then came the image of Unit 01's eye. She felt used, intimidated. 

Next, Gendo. She felt anger, abandonment, distrust. 

Suddenly Rei was sitting on the umbilical bridge of Unit 00 promising Shinji she would protect him. She felt kinship, belonging. 

Then she appeared, crying in her sleep. She felt an overwhelming urge to hold and be held knowing their pain was the same. 

Finally, was a picture of Karou. She felt anger, burning white hot with revenge. 

"I understand. I really understand," she murmured. 

"Yes, you do," Shinji said as he released her. She pulled away and looked into his eyes. 

"I know why you hate him. But Shinji, you will still be alone in some ways if you let him rule you. You can't run away. You have to face him, you have to do something. Its now or never." 

Shinji grabbed her once more, kissed her, and as their lips met, one more image flashed into her mind. It was of Shinji raising a pistol to his head at Gendo's bedside. 

BANG! 

Asuka awoke screaming. She saw Hikari and all she could feel was alone, all she could do was scream.


End file.
